4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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