your parents love me but you hate me
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
