i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
