Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
