my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
