It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
