Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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