Me. At least after what I've been through.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Randomize
