fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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