You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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