a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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