I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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