you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
