I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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