apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
