Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
