It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
