So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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