i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
