I saw his package. It spoke to me.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
