My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
