i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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