Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
