How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
