After last night, I could never be a politician.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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