haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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