Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
