And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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