I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
