im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
