my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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