you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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