Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
