You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize