You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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