there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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