cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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