I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
