"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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