look no pants
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
