Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
then he tried to convert me to islam
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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