someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can I color on your dick again?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
