I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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