That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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