My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Rumble strips road head = magical
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
