the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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