I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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