My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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