the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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