Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
