I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
