You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
