Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
