Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
