also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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