Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You can't motorboat a personality
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
