I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
