There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
