Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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