Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
