you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
