You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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