from now on my penis is your penis
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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