I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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